What? Why?

A friend of mine (Desi) has inspired me to write something everyday outside of the home. She has a little project of her own called "Project 365" where she takes a photo every day to capture a memory complete with a description. I can't tell you how much I'm infatuated with this. It's not necessarily a photo of her every day, but of just life. As she describes it: For me, it's just a reminder of life. The years are going by faster and faster and I want to remember them. I want to see how the world, family, friends, even myself change throughout the year. Just a little visual history :)

SO! I've decided that once a day, I will write for 30 minutes minimum in a location that's not in the home as my thoughts are usually clouded there. My headphones will almost always accompany me as well as my notepad. Every day, I will post in my notes what I wrote about and label it as "Wet Ink".

For everything else, it's just gaming!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Wet Ink 01: Renegade (NES)

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WET INK :// 01
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So today I had a good 45 minutes before I had to be at work when I arrived at my destination. It's a nice little spot by the docks where you can see water from your toes to the horizon. It's an amazing place where the air is a bit chillier from the river waters and the smell is flavored by the various solvents in the same water in front of you.

It was a good day to write.



I looked out into the waters and tapped my pen to paper to conjure some sort of thought of what I should write about. Then it came to me:

My recent game purchase!

So....



BAD. ASS. (Yes, that's my top-loader NES2.)

That's not your parents' NES game. This is fucking RENEGADE. I'm not going to lie; I was not surprised to see the title was in all caps in such hardcore font. You can tell from the cover that this game pulls no punches.

Short story: I went to our local game/vinyl/VHS/retro store to see if there was anything to play with and this just stood out to me as a title that said, "I'm about to dropkick you in the balls just for looking at me." That's how hardcore it was. I'm slowly building my NES collection and there was this no-gimmicks-needed game flexing at me for a bargain of $2.50. Now get this: I don't have the much celebrated Mega Man II yet for NES and that was above for $10.00. That's how intimidating this game was. I was shook before I even had it in my console. So naturally, I had to purchase. On that same evening, I also purchased Street Fighter II (original!) for the SNES - but that's another blog for another day.

So I know you're wondering to yourself: "How did you know this game was about to wreck shop on your NES?" Well, easy... the game has a tagline on the spine of the cartridge! Look!



DO YOU SEE THAT? IN ALL CAPS:

"2 A.M. IS NO TIME TO BE ALONE IN THE SUBWAY
AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHY."


Are you as hard as I am right now after reading that?

So anyway, I pop this bad-boy in and let me tell you: it's well worth the money spent.

...however, that's not necessarily a good thing. Yes, I spent two dollars and fifty cents - but it's worth just about that much. I'm judging this from a completely retro-minded view and maybe from an over-the-top satirical view as well. The game opens with a title screen. That's right - there's no gameplay preview or anything. This game wants you to know that you have no idea what you're in store for. You better just hang on to your ass and be prepared.

Soon after you press start, you appear in a subway surrounded by three guys. Three angry guys. Three guys all wearing white shirts with black slacks and there you are in your cowboy vest and khaki pants. If this doesn't scream battle royal, I'm not sure what does. I guess I want to start off by asking why the hell can't you close your mouth? Are you yelling the entire time? The A.I. is the exact same palette. You're all just standing there with your mouths open like you can't stop yelling at each other. That's what I'm going to do the next time I walk into a subway - just stand there with my mouth open angrily.

Maybe it's just one, big shouting contest?

Anyway, the button layout is unique in the sense that your A and B buttons aren't attack buttons to your respective limbs like most beat'em-ups. From what I've learned in playing, each button controls the direction of your attack... so-to-speak. So, lets say baddie #1 is on your left and baddie #2 is on your right. The B button would focus your attacks to the left whilst the A button would focus on attacking right. Whatever opponent your facing will be the recipient of some malice-enriched punches to the dome while the one you're blatantly ignoring (because you're too busy being bad-ass) will catch a "HWAAAHH!" back-kick.

Amazing-much?

For some reason, each level comes with a handy-dandy count down timer that causes a game over when it reaches 0. Why is that? Why is that added? What happens at 0 anyway? Is this like Crank? Do they kill your girlfriend?** Do the Knicks win the playoffs? Does your hot pocket get overcooked? Either way, that's one more obstacle you have in your way besides the enemies themselves... which always come in waves of three. Yeah. Three people who really, really don't like you.

**NOTE: There's the rub: there IS NO GIRLFRIEND to rescue!**

YEAH! So what the hell are you doing fighting these people anyway? Let's ask the instruction manual:


THE STORY:

You're surrounded by gangs of blood-thirsty thugs. You weren't
looking for trouble but you're not going to run from it either.

Only you can put these punks in their place-face down in the
gutter. Your flying fists and killer kicks will have to do the job. It's you or them!

...What?! YOU (Mr. K, the protagonist!) are not bright! Let's read the spine of the game again:



Why not just take the fucking bus? Is that why he's a RENEGADE? Because he takes the subway like a bad ass knowing there's "blood-thirsty thugs" meandering around down there. That doesn't make him a Renegade. That makes him a DUMBASS. In fact, that should be the title of the game. "DUMBASS - BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO TAKE THE SUBWAY AT 2 A.M. IN YOUR McLOVIN VEST AND PANTS... IDIOT"

That's probably why his mouth is open.

[Mr. K]: IS THIS THE SUBWAY? WELL BALLS.

[Thug 1]: I CAN'T STOP YELLING. YOU LOOK KINDA LOST, BOY.

[Mr. K]: WHAT TIME IS IT, BLOOD-THIRSTY THUGS?

[Thug 2]: WHY IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S 2 A.M.

[Mr. K]: I SHOULD'VE TAKEN THE BUS.

[Thug 1]: WHAT ARE YOU SOME SORT OF DUMBASS?

[Mr. K]: I'M A RENEGADE.

[Thug 2]: DUMBASS.

[Mr. K]: THIS VEST IS ITCHY. AND I CAN'T STOP YELLING. TIME TO KICK SOME ASS.



Calm the fuck down?

You know what's kinda amusing though? There's a two-player mode. However, there's no secondary protagonist like most two-player NES games. Instead, it's the same hero... except controlled by player number two. The only logical explanation I have for this is that this is actually the guy's twin and this game is a prequel for Double Impact starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. If that's truly the case, I would give anything to have one Michael Bay direct a film adaptation as long as it consists of the above dialogue recited by JCVD.

I'd be so enthralled...

You know what's even more amazing? After you beat up all the thugs with your sick martial arts skills... the subway doors open. OK, OK... you obviously have four options:

1. Get into this subway some time past 2 A.M. shortly after dispensing of several blood-thirsty, but surprisingly well-groomed and laundry-shirt-attentive thugs(?)

2. Get out of there and take the bus.

3. Let time expire.

4. Run all the way to the right, fall off the ledge, and onto the tracks to your death.

Guess which one of those you CAN'T do?

So, after you board the subway, guess what happens? YOU FIGHT MORE THUGS... DUMBASS. You know what happens after that? The doors to the subway open. You now have four more options:

1. Get off of this subway some time past 2 A.M. shortly after dispensing of several blood-thirsty, but surprisingly well-groomed and laundry-shirt-attentive thugs(?)

2. Look out the window to examine the situation and maybe consider taking a safer exit... I mean, it's not like you're obligated to save ANYONE and it's obvious you've already cleaned this cart of baddies. Besides, aren't you making 2-minute hot pockets?

3. Let time expire.

4. Yell.

Guess which of those you CAN'T do?

You would guess this continues subway car after subway car, but believe it or not, you eventually end up fighting at some docking area (ironic considering my writing location... and even moreso if you consider my reference to Double Impact) against some dudes on motorcycles?

What?

So yeah - best $2.50 I think I've ever spent. I haven't beaten the game yet, but when I have, I'll be sure to sing the praises.

If you have an NES; get the game.

If you don't, buy an NES; get the game.

I hope the time I spend writing random stuff like this every day can only be as epic as this game's awesomeness allows me to interpret. With that, I'll leave you with a picture of me with a half-hearted RENEGADE face.

So until then, think of Balrog losing in Street Fighter IV when he says:
MY 2 A.M. SUBWAY FAAAARRRE MOOONNEEEEEEYYYYYY